Thursday     thank you, Andrew. Just got this par avion. check the rhime - a tribe called quest autobiographical - black sheep suga sista - rahzel w/black thought nobody does it better - nate dogg w/warren g no doubt - jean grae rainy dayz - raekwon w/ghostface killer on my own - black eyed peas w/les nubians the platform - dilated peoples daylight - aesop rock shadow boxing - gza w/method man wrektime - smif n wessun the shiznit - snoop doggy dogg action satisfaction - jurassic 5 miles to the sun - hieroglyphics whatever, whenever - groove armada solar - thunderball 38, 45 - thievery corporation see thru it - aphrodite w/wildflower nu moon - dark matter blue - dogs deluxe devious methods - hive funny break - orbital sacred secret - ambrsea comin back - the crystal method sublime - the supreme beings of leisure muah     10/31/2002 05:11:00 PM         yeah baby, yeah Two questions that make me fidget like crazy in an interview: 1) What do you like to do? Hobbies... 2) What are your salary requirements? I was early for the interview so I had to walk around the block once before going up to the 9th floor in a bldg that's situated in the Fashion District of Manhattan. They just finished interviewing a girl when I walked in. I was pretty nervous because of that but I kept my cool, turned on my charm full power and flashed my million dollar yet coy smile here and there. Small office; a total of 3 employees. Headquarter is in Seoul, Korea; offices in SF, HK, Shanghai and one or two other locations. No factory; just trading. I thought it would be either accounting or basic office administrative stuff but it turns out to be both. I'll be doing A/R and everything else that they do that is office related. The office manager is going to give me a call tomorrow for the final answer but I think I got it. I shouldn't jinx it but he already mentioned an offer as far as salary, plus he told me that just based on my resume, I'm the only one who really qualifies out of the 4 or 5 other candidates interviewed, and dozens of resumes that they've received. I should've fucked around with my resume some more, with the dates but I don't think that's necessary now. He asked me about the salary requirement. I am glad that he didn't push that on me, because I just said, "I haven't really thought of it. How much are you offering?" And he offered a figure that was higher than I expected. So inside, I was just screaming with joy. Let's just hope it stays that way. He mentioned some shit about how they all work overtime, when I asked about the hours. I have a feeling that I'm gonna have problems with that. Set hours are 8:30 to 5:30 but he said that everyone usually goes home at around 6 or even 6:30. I'll have to do something about the morning hour then. blah. Oh yeah. No benefits. No medical, dental. But I'm young, right? I don't have cancer or anything. I do have that hyperthyroidism shit and other little things that I need to have checked...but, but, I'll be fine. No more drinking on weekdays. I can do it! blah I'll finally be able to pay off some of my credit card bills more than the minimum amount. Really need to get that shit out of the way. Thursday. pb's favorite day of the week. After he gets a haircut, I'm gonna have a drink or two with him, and probably with the whole gang. I never go out on Halloween because although this area is pretty quiet, on Halloween, it gets pretty bad sometimes. I was walking home from pho bang after the interview with km, and these kids with cartons of eggs pass by me, swearing, and throwing that shit. I swear, if I catch the kid that dares to throw an egg at me, I will chase the bitch down and smash his head on the cement sidewalk. What to wear tonite...     10/31/2002 04:32:00 PM         let's make like cookie, and gaja* I have an interview in 2 hours and I'm all dressed in a suit and made-up already. I don't even remember what the position is for but I've got everything to gain and nothing to lose, right? It's either office administrative work or accounting. As much as I hate accounting, looking at countless check stubs, numbers after numbers, I much prefer that than simple miscellaneous office errands. I need to grow or something. Looks like this month will be an eventful one. j unnie has been suggesting that we have a party this Saturday, at a club, cuz I've been wanting to dance for a while now. I know it's been a while since she last danced, too. So I bet she's itching to go, herself. She is definitely hot on the dancefloor. Really knows how to get her freak on. Let's just say she dances like a black girl. I wish I had more black friends. Anyway, this Saturday is bad for ajji, so she was thinking about moving it to next Saturday, when km thought it was lame to have a "belated birthday party". So we might end up going tomorrow night. Which is fine for me - I have all the time in the world right now. pb doesn't dance to hiphop so I don't know what we're going to do about that. I'll leave that up to j unnie. We'll probably end up going to some Korean club. blah On November 16th, j hyung, Michelle and I were talking about going up to Boston for V's b-day. Well, Michelle found a luxury hotel on orbits and the cost of a room is, get this, $0.00. Program glitch or something but she (her friend) called them up and said some shit about false advertising and demanded that we get the rooms (2) for free, as advertised. And they agreed. Amazing. ha ha ha. So it looks like a bunch of us will be taking a road trip up to Boston. I've never been to Boston. Anyone want souvenirs? On Thanksgiving weekend, I'll be in Jersey for a church retreat. It's the first time that we all will be celebrating Thanxgiving out of state, in like, over ten years. So I'm not sure if I should be looking forward to it or frown upon it. I'm not too pleased with the idea, but all the people, and some more, will be there. If it's the same convention center that we went to for the last retreat, then they are out of their minds. That place was a hotel, with the beach right in front of it. Don't get me wrong. I love the beach and the comfort of a hotel with a/c (or heat), a bed, good food...but when you're at a retreat, all of those "good" things are just, too good, that it's kinda bad. I missed all of the afternoon services with Kris, by hanging out in the beach, and having a beer by the beach. Bad, I know. Opportunity presented itself and at the time, I didn't see any reason to why I shouldn't take it. Anyway, I think it'll be too cold to cut service and hang out by the beach. We'll see. Only 2:30. In half hour, I'm gonna have to make like hockey and get the puck out of here. heh *gwaja in Korean means cookie gaja, means let's go p.s. it's kinda sad that I've never celebrated Thanxgiving with my mother. never. maybe when i was a little kid but i doubt we all knew how to celebrate American Thanxgiving back then. oh well.     10/31/2002 11:29:00 AM     Wednesday     latest smell hey, is that gillette? *sniff km's armpit area* yeah, how'd you know? cuz don uses gillette, too! i love the smell. cb unnie's hair smells like lifesaver candy. gillette, deoderant dial, soap herbal essence, shampoo     10/30/2002 02:21:00 PM         i'm getting used to eating out alone. but i don't think i should dress like a bum anymore cuz i think it attracts more attention or something. or maybe i was a bit self-conscious while i was out, rocking the slippers with beige socks, huge black nylon sweats, huge black cordoruy jacket, and a cap over my unkempt, unwashed hair. i should've worn a bra or at least a sweater because i was wearing only a tee. it's all good. i went to uncle king's and it was kinda funny how one waitress didn't recognize me because of my attire but peered a glance at my hidden face with my cap. i knew it was you because you're the only one who orders this.. i had go chu jjam ppong. i s'pose jjam ppong is already hot and spicy as it is, but i like the extra little peppers floating around to make it even spicier. i rarely finish the noodles. i'm all about the extra shit they mix up in it, like the onions. and the soup. i wish i had at least drawn my eyebrows (i'm missing half) because i left my cap on. last nite was definitely fun. i was drunk, and i normally save that word for the bad, bad events, like if i get belligerent and in a fight, or if i get moody and cry, but last nite, i was a good drunk. and i'm glad. we all had fun. kyungmo cracks me up. i was talking to him earlier and he said some shit like, "i was yapping last nite. i said some things that should've died with me." at first, i couldn't figure out what they were but then i realized what it was. i can't say here because it's supposed to die with me, now. ha ha ha. but anyway, the reason why it was so funny is because i don't remember anything else throughout our time at pierro and san soo gab san, but i remember that information. i called pb while i was at pierro, or so he says, but i don't remember this. damn, all this blackout, and no recollection...the gods must've been on my side because i didn't do or say anything stupid. or so i'm reassured. pierro's owner changed. James ain't there anymore so j unnie refuses to go anymore. but we went last nite cuz honestly, pierro is like our damn second home. kinda sad but true. the ugly waiter was there. i just call him the ugly waiter. anyway, he gave us a bottle of baek seju, for service, which is kinda surprising. James would never do that. that's the bottle that i brought home. we had ordered 2 bottles. mike, the pussy, didn't drink much. it was just shots after shots between cb unnie, km, and me. yum. oh, btw. i got a job. well, not yet, but it's mine. this company in the heart of k-town manhattan called me this morning. i should've had a more pleasant voice or something but i had no idea that companies would be calling me. it's been like 2 weeks since i last e-mailed a resume. when i pick up the phone, and if i don't recognize the number on the caller-id, or if it's my mother's friend, i answer the phone in the most unpleasant manner as possible. bad habit. oh well. anyway, they asked me to go in for an interview, either this afternoon or thursday afternoon. i didn't think it was a good idea to go to an interview all hungover and shit so i have an interview this thursday afternoon. i forget what the position was for but i'll take it! it sucks that it's a Korean company but blah. very soon, all you mid-towners will be buying me lunch! heh     10/30/2002 12:06:00 PM         oh god. another night of drunken debauchery. debauchery debauchery debauchery - mr. spicy's favorite word. i really shouldn't go out when i'm in a bad mood because i will just drink and drink and drink. km picked me up and we all went to first edition. we had a grip of beer. first it was pints of newcastle, then pitchers of guinness, then murphy's. i grabbed the waitress, Sandra's boob a couple of times. she was being friendly! screaming, grab me. i have a breast fetish. sue me. so i grabbed her a couple of times, i molested ajji's boobs a lot, and i even grabbed sheryl's boobs a few times. ha ha ha. i am a sick puppy. after that, everyone but mike, cb unnie, km went home so we went to pierro for some baek seju. oh damn, i don't remember what we did there except drink. it tasted so sweet. when we had enough, we had a bottle left so i brought that home. funny how i didn't pay a single dime but bring the bottle home. i am so bad. then mike went home. we then went to san soo gab san for some hae jang gook. yum, yum, yum. i finished that baby in seconds. again, i don't remember much about what we talked about there. maybe we just sat there and ate. that was all. i'm a lighter freak. i hate losing my lighter so even if i'm piss drunk, i'll always look for my lighter, and cigarettes. well, at first edition, km broke my lighter. i didn't know this but when i didn't see my clear, yellow lighter on the table, i was frantically searching for it, when i see it at the edge of a seat next to me. while i was searching, km was offering me his own lighter, hey, why don't you just keep mine.. when i saw my broken lighter, he 'fessed up and that shit just cracked me up. anyway, i took his lighter AND made him by me another lighter at the 7-eleven on the same block. i am a freak. i gotta get the boob groping thing under control, or something. first, it was ajji, and he's a guy. he likes it cuz it's a "bad touch." ha ha ha. then it was kinda hard and awkward at first, to grab sheryl's. but after the first touch, popped her cherry, and i was in. let me stop. i woke up with a migraine. i never knew what they were until i described the sensation. the feeling when it feels like your whole head is "asleep". that's a migraine. i miss pb.     10/30/2002 09:00:00 AM     Tuesday     here with me Had lunch with mother then we headed over to my brother's workplace cuz she needed a cell phone. I still have all my clothes neatly folded on my bed, ready to be packed. I'm in a shitty mood. For different reasons. I'll write about it once it's resolved or something. Or maybe I won't. I'm in a Dido - Here with me mood right now. It'd old but I downloaded it just the other day. Care to recommend other songs like it? Thanx in advance. Word is, the gang is heading out to an Irish Pub tonight. Think I'll go and try that Car Bomb that Mike suggested. Actually, I could go for something stronger. Maybe a sojinat0r. No. Scotch on the rocks will do just nicely. Or, or, double hennessey xo, neat. blah     10/29/2002 04:44:00 PM         torn Basically, my mother suggested that I move back in with my father. The story with my parents run more complex than a simple divorce. I think I'll spare you, blog, the story. I don't really think of them as my parents. My father, and my mother, are two different people, elements, objects, to me. They both have distinctly different stories tied to me. And the story with my mother, in a sentence or two, is that I don't have much compassion towards her. Cold, I suppose, I am. I love her, but love can be cold, too, or so I've learned. Anyway, I moved in with my mother two or some years ago, with the intent of moving right back out in a few months but I ended up staying. After living ten years all by herself, with a roommate, never remarried, when I moved in with her, it was like a dream come true for her. It's a shame that I can't say the same but that's life. We live in a cruel, unjust world. But I stayed. I stayed because although I never expressed any affection, or shown any compassion towards her, inside, the affectionate albeit cold part of me couldn't bear to see her shed another tear, and be alone again. I really miss living with my siblings and father. They're always asking me to move back in, whenever I see any of them. But I just can't bring myself to leave. At least not until my mother can let me go. I don't do jack shit for my mother; I can't even help pay the rent right now. Shit has been going on lately, so we've been kinda restless. So when my mother suggested that I move back in with my father, I was more than happy to hear that. I didn't want to sound too happy, or eager, because I know she doesn't want to let me go. But she thinks that "it's better for me." So I've been packing. Then she comes into my room, looks at me puppy-eyed and says softly, "don't go." What the fuck am I going to say/do to that? Staying here won't be good for her, or even me, as we've both learned and realized. But as of now, I don't have the power, the strength to lay that jurisdiction. Normally, I prefer to look at things, decide, judge, without any influence from emotion. Any kind of emotion is just unreliable when it comes down to laying down a sound judgment. But I'm gonna have to make an exception for my mother right now. As I have been. Until I find the strength to pull away from whatever emotion, jung, affection that is holding me. Jung is a scary thing. Not something to be fucked with. Jung, is another word that can't fully be described or translated into English. It's something like emotion/affection/compassion, but more. Or less. Oh, I was thinking about what ajji said the other night, at noraebang. He amuses me sometimes. He's really something else when he debates. I don't like debating with him because his voice gets louder, as mine to overpower his, and eventually, we have to shout at each other. His nose flares and everything. Kinda funny. Anyway, I really didn't want to go to noraebang after prince ii on Saturday night, because I was far from drunk, or even buzzed, but km and j unnie dragged me. I didn't sing or do the ddr shit - I hate ddr. I tried it once and I suck. Fucking suck. So. Ajji and I were just sitting there, and although the music was blasting, I said something, sort of confided in him, about a relationship issue. And he was giving me advice when he went on a tangent about his own ex-gf. Once he starts talking, he will keep talking. It takes him a few minutes to realize that he's babbling on, then stops. It's all good. Anyway, he was talking about how she broke his heart, over a stupid thing, at a time when he "needed her most." I don't know why I brought this up. I think I'm done writing for the day.     10/29/2002 07:33:00 AM         what are you listening to? I was never much of a trance-lover but that's all pb listen to. So that's what I've been listening to, as well. It's kinda hard to reform a trance-lover to a Etta, or Otis-lover. Not that I'm complaining. Need to download some more (different) music. What are you guys listening to now?     10/29/2002 05:45:00 AM         mutant I don't think I'll ever find a job. Like an old flourescent light, I'm waiting for the light to finally turn on and flash in my head, for a "bright" idea of some sort but I don't think it's gonna happen anytime soon. I wish I could go work at that restaurant again but it's too late. I fucked up once and they were gonna give me another chance. But they called hours too late and I was out; my mother picked up the phone when they called and I'm not sure what words were exactly exchanged but anyway, she found out, and went besserk, of course. Doubt they want me to work there against my mother's wishes. Cash is dwindling, actually, it has dwindled many weeks, months ago, and I've been very restless in general. And that's taking a toll on my mother, as well. Can't go into details with that. I just might end up moving back in with my father. My hands and feet are very cold. Like, all the time. pb can't stand this. He won't even let me touch his feet because my hands are so cold. I feel like a mutant. It's kinda depressing. A boyfriend in the winter that won't let me touch him because I'm too cold kinda defeats the whole purpose of...well, not exactly, but, blah. Oftentimes, it's so much easier to just write it out. I could be such a talker but a lot of times, my thoughts get jumbled up, if there is such a word, and I get stuck. I've gotten very comfortable with detaching myself from the situation, or thought, or whatever the demon is at the moment, by writing it and looking at it from a different angle that way. Why do I have a bunch of fruitflies flying around my room? I see like 4. I gotta stop eating in my room. Handball. pb doesn't look like a handball kind of person. But he's pretty good. Guys always have the advantage and they pick it up faster than girls. Anyway, when I look at pb, I suppose that he really is a new yawk city boy. If you grew up in NYC, and never touched a handball, then you're either a country boy, or a rich boy. I wish I could play more often. I doubt the old men wanna play every week or even every other week. I remember playing everyday, back in junior high, rain or shine...even in the snow. lams, Tina, and I were such tomboys. We first started out by the nursery yard, line up, take turns hitting it. Then shortly after, we would play in the courts. lams is really something else. First of all, she was the biggest, and strongest, out of all 3 of us. Piss her off and she would make the rest of the game/day a living hell. I hated her high serves - she only did that when she got pissed. Gosh, I better stop. I could go on forever, talking about my junior high days. Anyone have any idea to what a "cherry drop" or "lemon drop" is? I feel sorry for kids nowadays. They'll never know what a lemon/cherry drop is because the city removed all the flat-chained swings and replaced them with little gayass rubber swings. The kind that makes your ass hurt if you sit on it for too long. Cherry/lemon drops were a trip, back then. I'd get terrified, scared shitless but the rush was so nice. Back in the day, we didn't know a thing about shit like drugs, or even cigarettes. So those little cherry/lemon drops were our only source of a high back in the 7th grade. Then we moved onto bigger things. Like handball. hah. Why can't I talk like this to pb? A lot of people mistake the way I talk for debating. Or arguing. Call it debating, if you will, but I know how to maintain a cool head throughout it. I love a good debate. That's what I miss about usfa. I have no one to debate with nowadays. Back when j unnie and usfa were going out, and I was seemingly the perpetual third-wheel, usually, usfa and I would end up debating. About everything. And the cool part about him is he'd never lose his cool. Neither did I. So we'd maintain a good conversation. j unnie would always sit there and listen, and sometimes when asked for an unbiased opinion, she'd just hold her head and say, "leave me out of it." Hopefully, usfa will crawl out of his rut sometime soon, and we could start meeting up again, albeit without j unnie. I wonder how he'd get along with pb. A lot of questions. I have the answers to them. Yet I still second-guess, and wonder. I guess that's all part of being stuck in between worlds. Connectivity. I'm not too worried because I am just hoping that things will fall in its place, ruling in my favor. Kinda like wishing on a star? heh. dunno. pb's current favorite song is the song, no one's gonna change you by Reina. I hope he knows that I won't ever try to change him. I don't care about anything else, except one non-negotiable requirement. The guy that I marry will be from my church. I can't explain this. The only thing I can say is that I trust the church, ultimately God, with my future. I don't even trust myself; no more could I trust some guy professing undying love to me. Not saying that pb has done so. Just generally speaking. Anyway, knowing this, having that requirement, I don't know why I chose to get into a relationship with someone that doesn't go to my church. Not that I dated church guys. I never dated a church guy. I was seriously mentally ready to just get an arranged marriage. If it doesn't work out with pb, no more dating for me. I'm just gonna wait until I'm ready to get married and get an arranged marriage. I really hate thinking, or remotely hoping that, "oh, he'll come to my church for me." I really do. One just can't force something like that. And I really don't want him to attend my church just for me. Everyone stands before God, alone. That's the answer. For me. To stand before Him alone. Isolate myself everything that's holding me, and allow Him to just let things fall in its own place. But it's just easier said than done. To let go of everything, from my grasp. I know it's kinda like swimming. The only way one could float, swim, and live is if one gives himself up to the water. The more you struggle, the deeper you sink. I have this sick mentality of let it be right now. I'm just beginning to realize a tenth of my reality. Back to the swimming illustration. They say that when someone is drowning, unless you're an experienced swimmer, you gotta let the person drown a bit, to the point where the drowner is tired out, so the drowner won't take the person trying to save him down with him. I suppose that's what He's doing. Early. Hopefully today won't be as fruitless as yesterday. I need to at least kill all these little fucker fruitflies. Flying around me daringly. Shibooral.     10/29/2002 05:22:00 AM     Monday     wasted Another day wasted. I slept the whole day cuz my whole body is aching, especially the muscles on my back and shoulders. pb, km, and I went to the parks by 185 and played handball for a good 2 hours or so. Been a long time since I last touched a handball but I got into it after a few warmup hits. We played 2v1, a series of 1on1, and when it was my turn to play pb, after he declared, "I CAN'T LET MY GIRLFRIEND BEAT ME!" I let him win by 5 points. In reality, by the time I played him, I felt all the lactic acid buildup in my lungs and shit so I could barely run or move. Panting and breathing heavily. I scored a few cheap points by cutting and slicing my serves but that failed not too long after. Handball is fun. Old men were doing pretty okay by the end, while the young one was about to drop dead (me). I'm so out of shape. We need to do that more often. I'm glad we played. After having pho with km and pb, km was dropped off and we were on our way to pb's house. And I'm just thinking to myself, "gosh, it's such a nice day. There's no way we gonna spend it indoors." Time for a hot bath or something.     10/28/2002 03:02:00 PM         reciprocation, connectivity, and lastly, but not least, trust part i km and i were talking about ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends and he noted a commonality in all of them, how everyone knows they are psychotic, except themselves. like, they'll be engulfed in a thought, sparked by jealousy, or whatever the case may be, and they'll just eventually do psychotic shit, without ever really knowing how wrong they are. i don't know if i'm explaining this clearly enough but the whole point is, i saw my reflection in that today. how scary a single thought can be. lethal. afterall, that's where everything starts. [old people+canova] I used to work for this deli named Canova a few years ago. This was a month after I graduated high school, and I started working full time, for the next year and a half. Sometimes, I'd work on Saturdays, and in that event, it was for the whole day, 12 whole hours, so I'd be at work by 7. Well, this is the city, so usually, the people who frequent this deli on weekends are either tenants around the area or tourists. Or people at work, of course. Anyway, I'd see this one couple, old, maybe in their 70's, or older, every Saturday, for a cup of tea with lemon, or milk, and a bagel, and it was such a nice sight. I'd gaze at them, linger for a while, while they went about their own business on a table afar off. Even to this day, although I don't remember what their faces looked like, I still recall where I was standing, and where they were sitting, and the thoughts that I had back then. And the thoughts that I have every now and then. Like today. Life is all about what you have. Not what you don't have. So I don't complain. But you know, I'm allowed to dream, and wish, right. So I wish that that was me in 50 years. To be able to take a stroll every morning, with my husband of 40, 50 years (of marriage), to the nearest deli, or shop. And just have someone to share a cup of tea with. dp and dl were both computer geeks. And back then, I was so computer illiterate, and paranoid, that every little thing that would go wrong with my computer, I'd think that he was fucking with my computer. Well, I think it's the other way around now. Not that pb said anything but he knows that I know a little something about computers. We're talking about someone who barely knows how to copy and paste. So it's not that I'm a computer geek, because I am hardly. But I just know a bit more. Like checking the history of the IE. And I guess he used to log onto yahoo personals quite often back in the days, because I found something like that. Good thing that the last message sent by him was in February. heh heh. Not that I really checked thoroughly. I don't believe in reading mail and shit so I didn't do any of that. Just checked the dates. I'm not gonna tell him what to do, and what not to do. I pointed it out to him, because by now, I think he would know that I know. So I told him that I know, especially since I know that he knows that I know. Just so it won't be on the back our minds. I can't stand shadiness. I don't want someone to be shady with me - and so I could never be shady with that someone, either. Not telling him that I knew, would be shady. How I could be ruthlessly blunt. I know it's something that one could only either love or hate. Can't help it. If I have something on my mind, and if you mean something to me, then you will know it. And it's not because I am seeking a resolution. I don't try to change people - I can't even change my own self. I just simply need things either black, or white. Defined, crystal clear. No gray areas for me, please. One could fuck the gray areas. So I don't hold shit like grudges. I'll either spit it out, even if it's as hot as fire, or drop it. CL. While I was writing an e-mail on hotmail, my messenger was on, and he happened to sign on and message me. It's interesting how he remembers my fucking birthday. He'd always, without fail, call me to wish me a happy fucking birthday. It's interesting because not a lot of people remember (or even know when it is), but he would. Even if we stop talking for a while. So out of the blue, he says, "hey, your birthday's coming up." I don't swear too much when I talk to him but I said something like, "why the hell do you remember?" CL is definitely something else. I'll always love him. A good friend but a bad boyfriend, is what he will always be. I'm not done writing but my eyes are tired. So I guess I'll retire here. For the night.     10/28/2002 12:42:00 AM     Sunday     my baby's got a secret chevrolet commercial, right? i like madonna's songs. i just made a discovery today. i was pretty much in a pensive mood throughout the day. i'd like to think that i am a simpleton: cherishing and being content with the smallest; reconcile with the smallest. but i realized that it goes both ways, for each end of the spectrum. so perhaps i am not such a simpleton, afterall. because as much as i will be grateful of the small - the smallest thing could set me off. gonna go watch amelie now. looks like the giants will lose. will add two more thoughts later. (km+psycho, old ppl+canova)     10/27/2002 07:49:00 PM         uncertainty beautiful day #3 185 handball 11-5 pepperoni 'n onions as good as it gets amelie history personals ddul     10/27/2002 05:44:00 PM         falling, falling, falling i saw him everyday, for the last two weeks. and tonight was the first time, in two weeks, that i didn't see him. i went out with the usual gang, and it just wasn't the same. i'm used to being the third-wheel, or the only one without a significant other, but tonight was different. i had someone, but didn't. he wasn't there. i'm plagued with the thought that he likes weed more than me. i can't do anything, or be anything, to be more. so i'm just, sad. perhaps it's just me. but what can i say...i just can't help but to think two steps ahead. the best thing to do...or better yet, the thing that i've proposed to myself, is detach myself a bit. and then we'll see. i'll catch up with my old church life, do my own thing there, find a job, keep myself busy with the job, and then we'll see. then i'll see whether he really is sick of me or not. prince ii. 3 birthdays celebrated while we were there. how depressing, that my own birthday is coming up. sure, i'm the youngest out of the whole gang, but still. days go by fast, and the years just disappear. can't take time for granted, because everyone, e v e r y o n e is robbed, of time. i was telling a dongseng the other day, how i don't like to use the word "depressed" too vainly, or lightly. because it's a serious word. of course it's all relative, to each person. but to me, i rarely get depressed. i don't like to allow myself. everyone has fucking problems. the only difference is to how much time each person has on their hands...and how much they actually do about it, by getting off their ass and at least trotting. i am babbling. i guess us humans are hopeless sentimental creatures. i don't know why i set myself up for (possible) disappointment. each and every time. why, oh why, oh why?     10/27/2002 12:57:00 AM     Saturday     happy birthday... miss suzette. it's very rare to find kewl girls on the 'net and befriend, connect with. that makes you even more special to me. too bad we live so far away. the next time I'm out on the west coast, we definitely have to hook up. or perhaps one day, fate will allow us to cross paths, in real life, like it did online. until then, "I write, you read"...and the same to you. many hugs and kisses... sister scorpion, liz     10/26/2002 01:47:00 PM     Friday     everybody is free Ladies and gentlemen, the class of '97 Wear Sunscreen If I could offer you only one tip for the future Sunscreen would be it The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists Whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own, Meandering experience I will dispense this advice Now Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth Never mind, you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded But trust me In twenty years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now How much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked You are not as fat as you imagined Don't worry about the future Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve An algebra equation by chewing bubble gum The real troubles in your life Are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind The kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday Do one thing, everyday, that scares you Sing Don't be reckless with other people's hearts Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours Floss Don't waste your time on jealously Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself Remember compliments you receive Forget the insults If you succeed in doing this, tell me how Keep your old love letters Throw away your old bank statements Stretch Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you wanna do with your life The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives Some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't Get plenty of calcium Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone Maybe you'll marry Maybe you won't Maybe you'll have children Maybe you won't Maybe you'll divorce at 40 Maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much Or berate yourself either Your choices are half chance So are everybody else's Enjoy your body Use it every way you can Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own Dance Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room Read the directions, even if you don't follow them Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly Get to know your parents You never know when they'll be gone for good Be nice to your siblings They're your best link to your past And the people most likely to stick with you in the future Understand that friends come and go But with a precious few you should hold on Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and life style Cause the older you get The more you need the people you knew when you were young Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft Travel Accept certain inalienable truths Prices will rise, politicians will philander You too will get old, and when you do You'll fantasize that when you were young Prices were reasonable, politicians were noble And children respected their elders Respect your elders Don't expect anyone else to support you Maybe you have a trust fund Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse But you never know when either one might run out Don't mess too much with your hair Or by the time you're 40 it will look 85 Be careful of whose advice you buy But be patient with those who supply it Advice is a form of nostalgia Dispensing it, is a way of fishing the past from the disposal Wiping it off Painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth But trust me on the sunscreen     10/25/2002 01:24:00 PM         '02 5 18 That picture brought back some memories. love the 'fro whammy     10/25/2002 11:38:00 AM         sojinat0r My kewl friend Euge. Very nice guy. And laidback. He's the one who started the whole "sojinator" thingy. But that picture brings back a lot of not-so-good memories. Just the time period; back then. Totally unrelated to Euge, and nothing worth mentioning. One thing that I have to mention, a not-so-good memory, is the time when I was going out with the last guy, the psycho ex-convict, and he had ran a google search with the words, tribeca+italy and two other words like that, and he found Eugene's blog. And on the front page was a picture of me and another guy we were hanging out with while Eugene was here. The picture was pretty old compared to the date of the entry, but the psycho ex jumped to conclusions, left a nasty comment on Euge's blog, and presumed that I slept with all the guys I was out with including their brothers. Mad drama, back then. UGH. but it's over. thank god... I used to really hate hanging out with people that are laidback. Because the first few "laidback" people that I hung out with were a bunch of shit-faced, idiots. Like Hyuk. California-valley transplant...though he's back home, now. Now, things are a bit different. Maybe I'm just getting older...and I've just been meeting cooler people. Laidback, yet mature and responsible. Thing about Hyuk, is, he's 31, going onto 32. Anyway, people will be people. The girl that plays "Deborah" in Everybody Loves Raymond, was talking about her marriage, and its "success" (12 years), and she said that the key is "contempt". There was some sort of talkshow on, or something. It makes sense. Maybe I'll write about that later. When I'm married, or something. Friday. Gonna rain tonight, and possibly tomorrow. What to do. I don't feel like going out, buy the paper, make calls. My leg still hurts. Not in the way where a little ben-gay can soothe. Oh, and j hyung, I'd tell you where I work, but I don't work anymore. Back to the papers.     10/25/2002 08:00:00 AM     Thursday     stubborn-ass Yesterday was the first day of work, after maybe 3 months of unemployment. I honestly don't know if I'll get used to it; if my body will follow or lag behind. Because my legs are killing me. My muscles aren't sore. Just my bones, the fibula and crap like that. I had a problem with the right fibula a few years ago and when I took an x-ray, there was a hollow hole, the size of a nickel, or quarter, and the doctors said that it was a benign tumor. I'm having trouble walking right now because of that fibula...and the pain extends all the way to my foot. Waitressing isn't an easy thing. Not any dumb bitch can do it. This place, where I'm working, they don't let you set the tray down on the table. You have to either set it down at the next empty table or hold it in the air, while you set shit down. At first, I couldn't do that shit because it was so heavy. By the end of the night, it was mastered. My hands shake a great deal, so it's hard to set the shit down without either slamming it down or spilling some of it, if it's liquid. But I got that somewhat under control by the end of the night, too. My face would burn up, every time I'm in front of a table, doing something. But I got over that, too. I saw maybe 5 people that I knew from way back, like fellow junior high school and high school kids. I didn't too bad with the tips last night, even though I had to split it with the other waitress. It's barely enough, though. Funny how the kitchen ahjumma (old lady) kept asking me questions every time I had to go back there. Eventually, it was to ask me if I wanted to hook up with her son. It was a good laugh. Me thinks that they aren't naturalized yet. what's your name? how old are you? are you a citizen? do you have a boyfriend? would you hook up with someone else even still? even if the guy is a great guy? I didn't go to work today because I had trouble walking. I don't know what I'm gonna do now. I was scared. Things were going too great. And it was all too sudden. And new. Territory that I had only dreamt of, and heard of, and never ventured before. ms. suzette had wrote something like, it's easier to swallow the bad, than good. (you need to republish and archive or something - I can't find it). Yeah, I have more trouble dealing with "good things". I like to show all the "bad", expose myself, to know if someone likes me for only the "good" or the whole-me. That's what I kinda did the other night, and I overreacted. I brought up my past. I thought he thought less of me, but he didn't. I walked home cuz I was in full-defensive mode. I thought it was over. But he called me the next day. And I'm glad, because being the stuborn-ass that I am, I doubt I would've called him. Ahh, I can't write. Write more later or something.     10/24/2002 01:51:00 PM     Wednesday     I shouldn't have wrote the last entry. I just made a few minor changes with some specific details...instead of deleting the whole thing. I wrote the whole shit off the top of my head, straight from the heart. So I'll just leave it. It'll, the entry, die on its own, anyway. I wrote that shit because I thought it was over. I write shit like that only when it's over. Work in an hour or so. Seeing the honey after work. I'm glad to be working again. All the angst and anger that I vented yesterday, it's gone and old, just like the entry. Yeup, just like a snake, that was just a skin that I had to shed. And I leave it behind. have a good one all. and thanx, sue, ray, kwal, kit, and garr, for the words of encouragement. it really meant a lot to me, and lifted my spirits greatly yesterday, because of that, and the fact that you took the time out to drop a note.     10/23/2002 06:12:00 AM     Tuesday     nobody knows the trouble I've been through~. Nobody knows...but Jesus. - Louis Armstrong. I. Am. So. Sad. So, so, sad. Because he was nice. And different. But I knew it was too good to be true. I was prepared. Like they say..."if it's too good to be true, it probably is." Yeup. It was too good to be true. Can't say, 'i told ya so.' I've been fingering the panic button for a while now. Because I knew it was too good to be true. And I pushed, and pushed. And at strike three, I said, fuck it. And walked home. Again. All the way from motherfucking Union Tpyk/150. I don't know if this was the longest distance I've ever walked...but my knees are wobbly. And my legs are aching. I don't know how I'm going to work; stand for 12 straight hours tomorrow. How ironic, of Julia, to ask me today. Because she knows, as well as I do, that I am just not relationship material. Why can't people fucking believe me when I say that? I know myself better than anyone. Why must people challenge me? Dumb motherfucks. I am still sad. So, so sad. Because I heard a lot of things for the first time; things I would have never imagined hearing from him...let alone from a guy. But what made me pull myself away? First it was, "that was very whore-ish of you." Then it went back to that. Then again. And that's when I said to myself..."ok. Regardless, of, whateverthefuck...I have my own motherfucking conscious to condemn my own self - I don't need another." I was never shady. For I believe in black or white; no gray areas. So I was always straightforward. And upfront. I am ruthlessly blunt, at times. And I'm sorry if he thought that xy, instead of z, was "ambiguous." That's right. I've had more than xy one-nite stands. He was my first, true, boyfriend. And I don't blame him for wanting a more virtuous girl. Totally understandable. That's why I did, what I did. I don't care. If you don't understand how most of the guys that I slept with were one-niters...fuck you. If you don't understand, quite frankly, I don't give a flying fuck. Because I am better off alone. could you see yourself married to me? honestly, yeah. asdf? because i consider you my girlfriend. and like you said, it's kind of degrading. if it was purely physical, then i wouldn't give a fuck. but it's not. I was having a rough day, after the last entry, and I did something, that I had never done before: made myself vulnerable to someone. I called the honey up, and said, just some shit that I would have never said to any other guy. Little things. And he picked me up. We went to some restaurant on the same block of my old church, where my church used to be. And we had some san-chae bi bim bap...and some kalbi. Then I just chilled at his place. Played around with his computer, since he is so 'puter illiterate, while he did some laundry...paid some bills, and balanced his checkbook. are you feigning? actually, i would be. but i'm not, since i'm spending all this time with you. i'll be your drug. ha ha. yeah, i like spending time with you so much that it has kept my mind off of it. Being in his arms. And he wouldn't jump me at every chance. Talking to him. Hearing his hi-ee, and his laugh. Seeing his smile. Fondling his ass...he sure has a nice ass. Sweetest, so far. He probably thought I was a freak, from all those times I'd just fondle his ass. He's laidback. So we'd talk about everything. I am going to miss him. Terribly. Work tomorrow. Actually, in a few hours. Wish me fucking luck. I don't know how I'm going to last...12 straight hours, of just waiting on tables, after being unemployed, sitting on my ass, doing nothing, for so fucking long. Shibal. The Man I Love. That Etta James song...will always remind me of you, pb.     10/22/2002 11:40:00 PM         get ready for major uhl-gool pal-leem I found a job. I bit my lip hard and called places that I never imagined myself calling, today, and I went in for an interview, and they just called me. After 3 hours. I didn't think that I was going to get it because they were very skeptical to how long I'd stay with them, since I look, and am, young. I insisted that I'd work a long time as long as it's good. Which is true. Not only that, they didn't even ask me if I had any experience. I waited on tables when I was in the ninth grade for a whole year, but only once a week, after school, until 11 p.m. Anyway, I start tomorrow, at 10:30. I have about 20 hours to grow a thick face, thicker than I already have, because it's a place that is in the heart of Flushing, walking distance from my apt (10 minutes-walk), and a lot of my friends, or people-i-know, go there. It's a place where I used to bring my friends for their bombass dak do ri tang (spicy, chicken soup). 12 hours shift. While I was walking to the place, for the interview, as determined as I was to find a job, I was equally agonized. But that will soon disappear. I gotta do what I gotta do. No one give me shit - because you can't pay my bills. My mother has the day off today. So I told her where I was going, before I left the house. She went besserk because of two reasons. One, is that she is not in good terms with the owner. Two, her best friend's hair salon is right down the same block. She is fearful of what her friends might think, because her children is supposedly a reflection of her. Well, fuck that. Her best friend doesn't pay my bills...nor does my mother. If I can't stand alone, on my own two feet, that God gave me, then why live? I feel myself becoming bitter by the second. That's right, don't fuck with me. Fuck. I have to wear a fucking skirt to work everyday. Black skirt, to my knees, with WHITE SOCKS! Ok, I understand the black skirt, but white socks? I want to cry out of disbelief. I sure as hell ain't going to wear 'em to work. I'll bring 'em to work and change. Oh yeah, another problem. I don't have a black motherfucking skirt. I guess I'll just have to buy one right now. I'll be working 5 days a week, but there are plenty of ads for part-time positions for only Saturday (12 hours). I'll probably respond to one of those, too, and work 6 days. I remember working 6 days a week, 12 hours a day. The word to describe that is, lonely. Not sad, tiring, but lonely. I can't quite say it, in English. In Korean, I'd have to say - ¼­·¯¿ö. I love my language because there are so many words that you can say in Korean, that you can't quite say in English. Fuck the English language and its 80 trillion vocabulary words. I won't be able to see the honey as often. I've been seeing him everyday, for like, the last, two weeks. Or something. Being unemployed, I don't keep track of time; and every day is a Sunday. Anyway, hopefully he understands. If not, that's cool, too. I'm better off alone, anyway. I shouldn't go off on a tangent now. Hopefully, my mother will understand. Her beef with the owner is her beef. Not mine. Am I being selfish? Apart from this place, and the owner, in general, I am very detached, distant with my mother, as far as how I hold her in regard. She doesn't really have a space in my heart. I love her, and call her mother, only because she gave birth to me. Perhaps I am too young. Maybe that's it. Well, in my defense, all that I will say right now, is that I grew up without a mother...I sure as hell don't need one now. Just because you are my "mother", and God commanded all (me) to honor thy parents, doesn't give you, Mother, the right to walk in and out of my life whenever you please. I know you've made mistakes; and you've had your share of bitter hardships. So that's why I've forgiven you. Am afraid that that is all that I can give right now. disclaimer: i am not a charity case. this is just to dilute the "pain". so you may congratulate me, now.     10/22/2002 12:35:00 PM         early bird catches the... First person to finish that sentence, gets a, um, something. Last entry was written while UI. Only had about 4, 5 cans. Which is good because I woke up after maybe 3 hours of sleep because of dehydration, then slept maybe another hour, and here I am. Yesterday, I got up a few hours past noon, and went out to the post office, picked up the package that J sent me (a grip of cds, with mp3's), then got my coffee, potato croquet, and the 2 main Korean papers that are distributed here, in NYC. I sent 4 resumes out over the weekend - no call. Called a few places yesterday in response to some ads - already taken. Can you believe that shit? My mother comes home, suggests that I find a job. I say in disbelief, what do you think that stack of paper is for? wipe my ass when we run out of toilet paper? So I'm up. I'll go get the paper soon along with some coffee and make more calls. I need to lower my standards or something. Ahh fuck. Yesterday, I saw the "cafe" section and my eyes lingered a while on that section. Desperation, will do that. Fancied the idea of responding to one of those ads, where they pay for your airfare, and go work at a "cafe" in Hawaii. I always thought that girls turn to prostitution because of laziness. I still believe that. And if I turned to one of those ads, or something of that sort, I'd try to justify myself by saying that, i have no other choice, or, i'm desperate, but in reality, I'm only cultivating the terrible element of indolence. Yes, admittedly, I'm lazy. And I'm thankful to know that I am not any different from those girls. Socrates, or someone, said some shit like, know thyself, right? It's something I heard in church; not in school. Anyway, I don't judge, because I know that I am the same as you; that I am capable of being that joe in prison. I think the scariest part about Man is when you don't know your own reflection. How people think that they are incapable of murdering someone. You can only control yourself when you know your own image. Why do you think we look at the mirror daily? Have you looked in the mirror today? And I don't mean a piece of glass. On a unrelated point, ever feel so in sync with a person, yet so distant? And no, this time, it's not about the geographic location. p.s. it's nice to be with someone that doesn't try to jump ya, every chance he gets.     10/22/2002 04:30:00 AM     Monday     cold-blooded I was supposed to see my father tonight, but I didn't. I guess I'll talk to him tomorrow, or Wednesday night. Today was a pretty disheartening day for me. friend: so how was your day? me: it was aiite. that good, huh? yeah, I was overflowing with so much joy, that I wanted to jump off the Whitestone bridge. Listening to the blues, typing softly, and slowly, while the honey sleeps. 70 wpm isn't that fast, but it is...when someone is sleeping. In many ways, I've known, that I am cold...well...what I'm trying to say is that I was massaging the honey's foot, and my hands were so cold that he couldn't stand it. He made me wash my hands in hot water, twice. The first time I washed it, he couldn't believe me, so I practically scorched my hands in hot water the second time. I guess I am cold-blooded, afterall. I'm scared.     10/21/2002 09:35:00 PM     Sunday     you wanna fix that door? Go-chu jjam ppong. Yum. I only have it after a night of heavy drinking. Otherwise, jja jang myun for me, please. I love the soup and the little stuff, like the onions. I barely had even a strand of noodle. pb finished it, though. The more, the better. Love handles are good. >=D Went to Fort Totten, finally. Beautiful day. Sunny, a bit chilly, but warm enough for me to just wear a t-shirt out. Went all the way to the tip, sat there for quite a while. I could've stayed longer but the honey's back was hurting...So we left. Took a nap, watched Windtalkers again, ate some dinner, watched the game...Giants were leading before we left the house. GO GIANTS! Funniest thing worth mentioning about my day has to be how people ask pb if he wants to fix his car door. We were in the municipal parking lot in Flushing, and some Italian guy rolls by in his car, and asks him, "hey, do you want to fix your car door? I'll give you a good price. Or do you want to sell that car?" Then later on, hours later, we were driving and some other Italian guy in a minivan right beside us, asks the same question, and this was while we were driving! Sleepy. E-mailed some resumes out yesterday. Hopefully, I'll find a job by the end of this week. I think, meanwhile, I have to take some money out of my credit card to pay some of my bills. The last entry or two needs some major editing. Where to start.     10/20/2002 08:31:00 PM         blah I was trashed last night. Gone. It's kinda amazing how I don't make any typos, or keep it to a bare minimum. Just read my last 3 entries. Though I can't promise you that it'll make much sense. I was already in a bad mood when I got home - the past was waiting for me, right here, on the computer. I gotta stop logging on when I'm drunk... Gonna have some jjam ppong with the honey today. Then finally get to see Fort Totten. It's a beautiful day. Perfect to sit on the rocks...and finally check out the little gap of water that I fell into long ago. I'm still thinking about what Mike said. I think I only get the vein when I'm drinking because I don't see it right now. It was pretty interesting to hear that. It had to be a coincidence. I have been pretty lucky, but to tie that into some vein running straight down my forehead...is just too superstitious for me. Mike is so anal-retentive sometimes. It's cute, though. I remember the first time I grabbed his breasts...he was shocked, dismayed, and appalled. ha ha ha. Didn't like him much...he didn't like me much, either, from what I gathered. But I think he has grown a bit soft on me, considering how uptight he is. After a few rounds of beer, then some shots of baek seju, he loosened up a bit and we were doing the whole, me: drink, motherfucker! mike: yeah? you gonna drink with me!? aiite, drink, motherfucker! *gumbae* i hungry.     10/20/2002 08:38:00 AM     Saturday     have you been lucky? I went out with ajji and the gang. The usual. I thought that pb would be out with his ex-gf's gf's birthday. So I went out with ajji and the gang. If no one had called me out, then I would have gone to church. But ajji called me out. And although I had pho with km this afternoon, I went out with ajji and the gang, to pho bang, and I had some pork chops with rice. I don't believe in superstition, or anything like that. But tonight, Mike asked, out of the blue, "have you been lucky lately?" And the thing was, I have been lucky. So I asked, whether I believed in superstition, Chinese/Korean sayings, or not...why, what's up?. And he proceeds, and tells me, that he has been noticing a vein, running straight down from my hair-line to my nose, and the Chinese saying, says, that whosoever has that vein, is very lucky. I cannot help but to say, that I have been very, extremely lucky. Such as the incident two weeks ago. I could've hit someone, killed someone; or gone to jail for DUI. Or some shit like that. Not only that, that wasn't the first time that I had drank and drove. I had always said that I was "hard knock on wood.". Simply because I just got away with a lot of stuff, even if unconsciously, that most people do not. Yeah, I've been given many chances. And as CB unnie has said - "don't munipulate that...do better from now on." Ahh. I'm home now. I'm angry about many things, right now. I wish I knew how to smoke a joint, and just let everything fucking be. But I can't. Life is hard.     10/19/2002 11:11:00 PM     Friday     cries of the inner-man Went to visit my old workplace. Finally. Had I not been so damned lazy, and gone perhaps a week or two earlier, then there might've been a position open for me. But not now. Not only that, my manager coyly expressed regret of how I'm "such a good worker, better than anyone else, but needs to learn to get to work on time." I deserved that. Anyway, it was nice seeing the old gang. There were a lot of new faces but ma-ching, oya, Jose, Andy, Caesar, Ryan...are still there. My osito left. So did the sushi guy. It is time. I don't know what I'm holding on to; I don't know what's holding me back but I think that it is time. This ongoing struggle inside of my heart, in my thoughts throughout every waking hour of the day...it is warysome and I think that it is time to surrender. Like Job. Or Jonah. All the self-righteous thoughts that captivated their hearts and made war with the Almighty...eventually, God wore 'em down for all is to bow down before Him. Mina unnie was just here. I think I would've talked more if she hadn't brought anyone. When I want to fellowship, it's gonna be with someone that I want to talk to, someone with a certain level of spiritual depth. And s/he is to have faith from God. A promise. Because I don't trust Man. And nothing good could ever be produced out of Man. If I see an ounce of self-righteousness, I will blow him/her right out of the water. If s/he is merely trying to teach me, again, I will wear him/her out, so hard, that I will watch him/her without blinking once, straight-faced, when I finally make him/her cry helplessly. Because knowledge...and theory...is not what I need. I don't lack the knowledge, theory, the verses, the mechanics of it all. I overflow in that aspect. I could talk about that all day long, even teach another. But spirituality, God, isn't about the knowledge. i.e., A Christian knows that Jesus died for his/her sins. But does he/she believe that? If he/she still has sin, then that belief is null and Jesus died in vain. Freedom. It's a very relative thing. Because what freedom means to you, doesn't necessarily mean the same to the next person. So what is freedom to me? True, genuine, freedom. I've learned that being able to do whateverthefuck I want doesn't make me truly free. (Another mirage in life.) Drinking whenever I feel? Smoking a cigarette once every hour? I say that it's something that I want, but is it really? Two ruling forces over the face of this earth. Everyone is driven by one or the other. Even the most mindless people. There was a time when I lived in the church. Or even before that. There was a time when my life revolved around the church, God. Obviously, there are restrictions; things I shouldn't do. And at a certain point, I felt like I was in a cage. Trapped and suffocating. And once I broke loose, was I really free? For a very long time, after that, I was despairing, so miserably, that I'd drink scotch by myself, at home, then call my pastor at 3, or 4 in the morning. Interesting thing about that is whenever I called, I'd not say a word; I wanted to just hear the pastor, or the samonnim's voice. So I'd listen. The second or third time I called, my samonnim said, "sojin ah, is that you? c'mon, I know it's you. Speak up." Then I'd just hang up, drink some more, and cry myself to sleep. Then after a while, I became numb, lukewarm, to any sense and feeling towards God. Even to this day. I miss being in the refuge, and under the shadow of the church. Even though there were certain "restrictions", when my life revolved around nothing but the church, when I was under the wings of the church, laughed with the church, that was true freedom. Going through weddings, baby showers, birthdays, Thanksgiving, New Years Eve and Day, with the congregation - there, was true freedom. I have so much history with our current pastor and samonnim. I don't know what I'll do if they get switched. I have a feeling that they'll be switched as soon as we, the church, finalize the move to a bigger church. But I want my pastor to wed me. Is that right? I don't want to get married to my pastor. I want him to, you know. What the fuck is the word. There was a time when my pastor said solemnly, dead-seriously, "don't think of me as a pastor. think of me as your oppa (older brother). cuz I think of you as my dongseng (little sister)." I almost busted out laughing because I thought he was joking, but didn't when I saw his face. I mean, he has 2 kids, pretty old now...early 40's. Anyway, he said this twice, two different times. Now I remember why I used to wail and cry like a motherfuck whenever I got drunk. Also why I have stopped. J hyung, I'm not preaching. I swear. Mina unnie, although you'll never come across this entry, nor my blog, I know that you know, that I'm sorry. Like it says in the scriptures, God will wipe your tears. The tears that I made you spill, because of my stubbornness, hardness, and arrogance...I know it wasn't spilt in vain. I suppose this goes for all that prayed for me until now. My father, pastor, samonnim. Even my sister. Anyway, like you said, it's not me, but the devil inside of me. Enough.     10/18/2002 01:27:00 PM         yoo poong It actually means "a custom handed down from the preceding generations." Like "poong sup" - dz¼·. Me thinks that the yoo stands for "famous" or "grand and magnificent". I wish I could learn Chinese. It's fascinating, really. Each character has a little story to the picture. Like the character for "man", or "een". It looks like two sticks, but holding each other up. I was told that it was because Man should not be alone; burden shouldn't be bore alone. Looks something like this, I believe. Please correct me if I'm wrong. By the time I went out last night, it was pouring. pb and I went to Pierro. It was pretty early, 8, so we were the only ones there. It was nice. Empty, all by ourselves. We got our freak on at the next table. Just kidding. We talked and talked. While we drank and drank some more. j unnie and the gang were at Baden baden, all the way in Jersey but they made their way to Pierro eventually. Then there were scattered conversations on going here and there. I love conversation, sometimes. A lot of the times, it's mundane, and common, everyday shit. But even that, is all good, too. I'm surprised km didn't take any pictures that night. I'm sure he took plenty at BB. Him, he's always the clown. Nice guy. CB unnie cracks me up. She's just so cute. Of course I didn't say that to her face. J unnie...I haven't talked to her in the last week, and I thought it would be awkward, strangely, but it wasn't. A kiss on the lips upon her arrival and we all just took off from there. pb was talking to ajji; I was talking to both J unnie and John; km, as usual, was talking to CB unnie. Damn, he cracks me up. The way he blatantly flirts and hits on her. It's damn cute. And she knows he's harmless, so she plays along. It'd be kinda cool if they hooked up. I was filling in the latest shit in my life, since we haven't talked in the last week. I didn't do much but a lot has happened. Anyway, she said something that kind of caught me by surprise. She suggested that I go into journalism, referencing my blog and all. Without hesitation, I simply said that I write solely for myself...I'd never want to write for the public or anyone else. Besides, my grammar, composition level, and depth of vocabulary is, well, shit. She had to find out sooner or later. So I asked her in front of everyone, "what would you think of asdf and I going out?" I already knew the answer. It was more of a declaration, in a form of a rhetorical question. She was quite surprised. Alarmed, rather. But in all honesty, if I was her, I'd worried about her own relationship problem with Mr. John over there. It was never really my style to talk about my inner feelings about a guy, and I don't want to start now. I usually need a certain period of time; let it seep in. It's really something that I could only speak of in hindsight. Reminisce. One thing worth noting right now, I'm relieved that he's not excessively jealous. Guys will be guys but i.e., he was cool about me hanging out with j hyung and mr. spicy the other night, even crashing on j hyung's couch for the night. First impressions. I'm only but human so I make 'em. It was funny how J unnie mentioned, in total disbelief, what I had said about him the first night. You said that you hated him! That you never wanted to see him again! ha ha ha. That cracked me up. I don't know if I said something that extreme, but yeah, I said something of the sort. I didn't have a very good impression of him. Regardless of that, the next time we chatted, and talked, and met...hmm...it was...all gravy. I'm not worried about getting hurt. If anything, I'm worried that I won't be able to live up to his expectations, if he has any, and he'll get hurt. To end all this babble, I'll just say that he's a nice guy. I love seeing him smile, talking to him, and being in his arms. It sure beats walking around in the cold alone. Believe it or not, he couldn't, I never really had a real boyfriend. Someone to really call my own, where feelings are reciprocated, and brave the cold with. Why do I sense that this year, 2002, its focal point is the cold more than anything else. I told him about my psychotic thoughts about the cold and he just smiled and said, "I know what you're saying. I was like that when I was your age. You're just getting old." sigh Speaking of which, my birthday's coming up. I can't help but to mention because everyone seems to be remembering even though I can't remember the last time I celebrated my own birthday. I'm really gonna hide out that day. Maybe sleep over my father's house. I think the only people that I could forgive for remembering my birthday is my family back home. Thanksgiving is coming up. I can't wait. That's the only holiday I really celebrate. Even just in my heart, in my thoughts. Of course, everyday should be thanksgiving; being grateful of what you have, but you know...it's Thanksgiving. And the food is plentiful. Gosh, I love turkey, and gravy, and corn, and the cranberry sauce. Shit, I am hungry. Time for my usual morning ritual. The potato croquet is calling my name and I must heed. It's Friday. I must have a job by Monday. This morning, I was thinking about my last entry...how it sounded as if I'm burnt-out or something. Then I thought about this other guy who was wary and complaintful of his own burnt-out situation. Not to compare or anything but I was just thinking about how I can't afford to be burnt-out. So yeah, I was right. When you have too much time on your hands; the people that have luxury of sitting on their ass, where they just grumble and grumble all day long, about how life is boring. Sure, life is boring...it's meaningless, we live to die, yada yada yada. But we still have to live it. Make ends meet. Shit don't just fall on your lap or grow on trees. Ok, maybe not shit, but joo know. Starved. To those that have made it this far, into the entry, even to where you are in life, have a good one all.     10/18/2002 05:13:00 AM     Thursday     desolate as the desert I finally dragged my ass out of my warm bed after several unanswered phonecalls; the victor of my battle from my warm bed to the phone was pb. Went out to get some coffee, a potato croquet, or however you spell that. And as I was walking, I was just contemplating on how this life is just one big desert. Sure, we have technology that makes our lives easier, and more convenient, but in reality, if you look a little deeper, each and everyone is just walking in a desolate desert, where all you see is a series of mirage. People think that mirages only exist in the dry, hot deserts of Africa, or any other place that an atlas or book would name as a desert. But in reality, everyone is walking alone, on a quest, a journey, for something. And along the way, they thirst. Some people find alcohol to be their thirst quencher. But they thirst again. Some people find money, and seek for more, believing that only money will keep them fully happy, and satiated. But even the richest person on this earth still thirsts. On a totally unrelated point, I bought some Korean paper - Joong ahng il bo and Korea Times, along with some cigarettes. I don't even know why I bother buying the paper. It's the same fucking shit, every single fucking day. And even if there is an opportunity staring right at me in the face, amidst all the gray and black print, I still end up doing fucking absolutely nothing by the end of the day. And the bills keep coming. Along with my bills, I will most probably have to fork over 500 bucks for some psychiatric help that I supposedly underwent 2 fucking years ago. The cold is not helping me. I must be sick, in the head, because every time I go out nowadays, I go through some sort of psychological setback. Like I want to just crawl back into my little hole, world. As if the ruthless cold is out there to get me. And I don't have enough armor to shield me. I think that I've just backslided way too much over the past few months. It all started with the hyperthyroidism, and I let that conquer me. For the past few years, it had always been me. Me, myself and I. I fueled my ownself, for whatever it was before me, that confronted me. But now, I can't even find the basic drive to even go out. I want to acknowledge God in my life again, but I don't. Back to the papers.     10/17/2002 12:26:00 PM         cry like a rainy day Thankfully, the rain has stopped. Last night. Now, it's just motherfucking cold. Last night, I had a dream that my sister was a druggie, and we were in the basement of our church satek. And she offered me a syringe, of heroin, and I took half of it. Then got her to inject some water because I felt sick. I saw people from my high school going to my church - Danny Chun, Jina Yi. The worst experience I had with drugs had to be with weed. Probably because I tried numerous times, but not enough in a span of 2 years. I tried E once and threw up 4 times. I was never interested in drugs but when it's going around, I'd try it. So, weed and E. Well, the worst experience I had was when I took two drags of "high-quality, expensive hydro" and the whole world came crashing down on me. I went to the bathroom to take a piss. After I pee'd, I turned off the lights and was in the dark room outside the bathroom, crashed to the floor, just sat there for 5, 10 minutes, tried to figure out where the hell I was. I finally realized where I was and tried to walk to the other room, when I collasped inside the other room, and just sat there, shaking. I couldn't walk, or move my legs. Someone got me to the bed, and I was fine once I didn't have to move around. Or so I thought. I closed my eyes to sleep, and it was much better than walking around. But then I'd see shit coming at me at the corner of my eye. So I jerked abruptly, sharply, at least twice, and the last time was bad because I jerked my head so hard that I almost broke my boyfriend's nose. Then I got up to sleep on the living room couch. Weed sucks. Chris says that it's because I'm too uptight. *shrug* That feeling on your eyebrows, down to your nose...it feels like I'm frowning the whole time. No good. What I'd really like to know is why everyone else can smoke weed but not I. I watched The Tuxedo the other night. Was it last night? Yeah, I watched it with ajji, after some pho. The movie wasn't that great. It was just, kinda blah, to be honest. It's getting cold, and colder. I don't want to work. I never knew Dial smelled so good. And sleeping on the right side of bed, near the wall, sucks.     10/17/2002 05:02:00 AM     Wednesday     and he shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver There was a group of women in a Bible study on the book of Malachi. As they were studying chapter three, they came across verse 3 which says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." This verse puzzled the women and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out about the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study. That week, this woman called up a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest in silver beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest so as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot then thought again about the verse, that says, "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. For if the silver was left even a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silver smith, how do you know when the silver is fully refined? He smiled at her and answered, "Oh! That's the easy part --when I see my image reflected in it. "If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has His eyes on you and will keep His hand on you and watch over you until He sees His image in you. Taken from here. I thought it was something worth noting. That is all.     10/16/2002 02:03:00 PM     Tuesday     forgive me for all the tricks that i've done, oh god, and i'll forgive you for all the tricks that you played on me. Or something like that. It was a poem that was in Lisa's profile, back in the days when I had AOL. By Robert Frost or something. I forgot how the poem went, who wrote it, but that poem just flew by my mind just now.     10/15/2002 11:35:00 AM         $500 vs. fraud I always tell CL what's up with my life, because he always asks. And listens. And then gives me good, sound advice. He had always been a "good friend" albeit a "bad boyfriend". Anyway, I don't blame him for that; he is still a good friend. He's a lawyer so he suggested that I sue the company behind the agent (friend) that got me medical care for malpractice. But in order to do that, a lot of people might get burnt along the way. I don't think I explained all the complications involved. I told PB about this and he offered another perspective to the whole shit and basically, it's a lot more sensible. Basically, the agent that got me the care, his intentions were nothing but good - to help me - and it'd be unfair of me to "repay" him by suing the company. Because it will still go back to him. Not only that, "it's easier to recuperate and bounce back from 500 bucks, but not fraud." My life gets better with each passing day. Care to have a drink with me?     10/15/2002 10:43:00 AM     Monday     columbus day special i set up a ftp site for all my mp3's. classification as far as genre sucks a left nut and a lot of the songs are old. but take a peek and enjoy! username = asdf password = asdf one minor problem. i don't have enough space on my d drive since some people are uploading songs onto the site. i had to rip out the hiphop/trance/house/jungle/reggae stuff to another location on my c drive and i don't know how to make them available under the same username even though i directed a path. if you want to see those...it's under username/pw - heh/heh     10/14/2002 01:51:00 PM         i'm up early. yay. it's a beauuuuuuutiful day. too bad it's gonna rain tomorrow. i'll just have to absorb as much as i can today. i've decided to finally get off my lazy ass and go to pg, my old workplace, and hopefully, they'll ask me to work for them again. fuck office jobs and school. i got bills to pay. i watched we were soldiers, and the score. war movies are always interesting to watch. the first one was about the vietnam war. i think i'll start picking up history books, starting with the vietnam war. the score, was just like the heist, except not as entertaining. peachboy fell asleep within the first ten minutes of the movie. the mood for both movies were such a contrast, plus he's into war movies. he was in the army for 4 yrs. as for me, i try my best to finish a movie, no matter what. so i watched it. i would recommend the heist, over the score. had some pizza with mushrooms and spinach. next time, gotta add something like olives or something. i thought i wasn't gonna drink, but i had a sip or four. i would've had a bit more if it wasn't corona, or if he had some limes. oh well. i told myself that i wouldn't write about boys and shit, not anymore, but oh well. all i can say about peachboy is that i'm taking everything with a grain of salt. i could already see myself reaching for the panic button but maybe i'll let it linger a while this time. beautiful day. i want to go back to fort totten, so we're supposed to go later this afternoon. i'd like to go before the sun sets. night life is all good but sometimes, i do miss the sun. just basking. it's 50 degrees right now. pretty chilly so it's time to bust out all my sweaters and coats. fort totten. if i had a camera, i'd take pictures. especially the gap of water in between the stretch of rocks, where i had fallen in when drunk, a long time ago. i was drenched. i was lucky that i didn't drown or anything. i'm sure all the east coast people have similiar weather condition. so enjoy it while it lasts! oh, and if any of you are history buffs, care to recommend some titles?     10/14/2002 06:27:00 AM     Sunday     wow. i am overwhelmed. i had so many things to write about. and i was in such a pensive yet sweet-carefree mood. the walk home from the LIRR (long island railroad, for miss sue), was such a pleasant one. it finally stopped raining. and the sidewalks are colorful from all the fallen leaves. i want to collect some once the weather is completely dry. i never did that before. i think i'll do that this fall. do what normal people do. collect some leaves, and maybe laminate it or something. i don't have an ounce of creativity in me, but i'll think of something. any suggestions? i have this song in my head. if you know the song, please leave a note. it was in Home Alone, and it went something like this - sol, me, sol, me, hi-do (2), sol. last night was a blast. it wasn't a blast because it was so action packed and fun, but i had a great time just chilling, lounging around. i really have to thank james for having us over and sharing his liquor. i was really giddy at the prospect of having some hennessey xo again, but he was all out. so i made the sojinat0r for everyone - 1/3 of 151, 1/3 of malibu rum, 1/3 of pineapple juice. then we moved the party to mr. spicy's apartment since he lives like 3 blocks away, and has even more liquor. damn, i saw a bottle of something, cognac, for the first time in my life, but i forgot the name. anyway, i ended up having two, or 3 full glasses of jw black on the rocks. bad idea. i want to puke at the thought right now. ha ha ha. damn, time flew because before i knew it, it was already 5. we just talked and talked. i could be such a storyteller when i'm drinking. usually, i have so many that i don't have to recycle any old ones. except the good ones. like fob boy at baden baden. and i ask a lot of questions. man, conversation is everything. of course i forget a lot of the answers, such as, "why were you in Germany again?" ha ha ha. structural finance. i remember. ha. that's one thing that i'll usually forget and ask over again the next day or the next time i meet someone. i always ask, "what do you do," a lot out of habit, and it's while i'm drinking. i'll forget the next day. not that i don't want to know, or because it's uninteresting and lame. because i always enjoy listening to what people in general do. it sort of expands my horizon, just on the world, on people. i am rambling. i finally watched Swingers. i didn't get to finish it but as long as i got to see the money part, i am content. i'd like to watch the whole thing over when i'm not so faded and tired. maybe later tonight. with peachboy. damn, i gotta stop calling him that. it's all your fault, james. speaking of james, i called CL last nite, while we were on the road westbound. i was kind of worried because of all the shit that has been going on down in DC. random people getting shot and shit, while mowing the lawn, on a porch bench, while pumping gas, a 13 year old. mindboggling madness. i don't have a cell phone and i can't call long distance from home. so i borrowed michelle's cell phone. he's ok. of course. i'm glad he's ok. i know he's not really ok, but as long as he says he is, that's all i can take and ask for. i guess the tides do turn every once in a while. i've been meeting some great people. i don't really like meeting people; i don't like people. but that doesn't mean that my mind is shut or anything. when i meet people, i won't have any sort of expectation, whatsoever, and sometimes, the tides turn and i catch some nice people. when i stumble upon, come across some nice people, without any effort, i will be grateful, to fate, to Whomever it was for that little nudge. having no expectations have worked both ways for me. and i think all the "bad" that has happened, only magnifies the every once in a while "good". so it's all good. life is good. i am a wretched man. but my siblings are well. my father is well. my mother is, well, just my mother. she's well, too, i guess. what more could i ask for? i think i am too independent, a little too much for my own good. a lot of the things, rather stupid things, that i do...it's all from my stubborn independence. that one little thought where it's only me. although, i firmly believe that everyone stands...and walks alone, before the eyes of God. i believe that's the reality of life, and those that realize, accept, and live conscious of that reality, are the only ones who really aren't alone. does that make sense? i know it doesn't. but i don't feel like explaining that right now. besides, i think i talk about spirituality way too much. i thought about my family's well-being, then my own behalf. i want to quit smoking. i don't wish to seek refuge and comfort from a drink. and i do so much psychoanalyzing, that sometimes it feels like there are two me's - one critiquing another. my spelling sucks. bite me. anyway, i know this is all a phaze, and sooner or later, the transition will happen. it's all a matter of time. i don't know where that turning point will be but i know there will be one. and once i'm gone, i'm gone. there's no turning back. when i say there's no turning back, i don't mean a reformation of the outer me. what am i talking about...i'm such a good talker. one day, Someone else will back it up. oh yeah, that independent shit. i have this habit of not calling when i'm out late. or even when i'm away. i'll announce my departure and that'll be the last anyone hears of me until i return. anyway, i should call, but fuck, i should quit smoking, too. so i don't call. that kind of got me into a little trouble today, and i worried some people. i know i shouldn't do (or i should do) certain things to keep people happy and worry-free. but i have a bad attitude of "don't worry about me" kinda thing, just stuck to me, like a habit. yeah, it's selfish. maybe i just need to grow up. maybe i'll grow out of it one day. yeah. damn, i had so many things to write about today. not that i haven't written a lot already - i probably did, to the likings of most people. meaning, it's not a lot to me, but it is to most people. ramble, ramble, ramble. weeeee james, mr. spicy, and i had some dimsum a little past noon. 69th and 1st avenue, i think. damn, it looked so good but i couldn't indulge much. all i really had was like 5 glasses of water. tried to eat but i could barely nibble on even one dumpling. i got some jjam ppong at Uncle King's with my brother a few hours ago, though. for the soup. after a night of heavy drinking, soup is the best. or so my tummy says. i need to come up with a nickname for james. i already named his fish, Otis. he has a siamese fighting fish. i suggested that he do what Garr did - get another fish and name them, Tupac and Biggie. i want like two cats, and name them Mercedes and Lexus. or Gucci and Versace. that's what Tony did - Mercedes and Lexus. ok. gotta get ready to go out. just gonna chill and lounge some more; hold the alcohol, please.     10/13/2002 04:16:00 PM     Saturday     Still raining. I had a #3. I walked by the medical center with the letter from the collection agency and it's not there anymore. I know they have the main office in Bayside...I should call them. I think I will eventually end up in court to dispute this crap. Psychiatric help, my ass. I should've known better to really believe that all that shit was free. Anyway, I went to the pho bang next to Woo Chon. I never really liked that place but it's closer. So I thought I'd go there especially since I'm going all by myself. Bad mistake. Next time, I'll walk the extra 5 blocks. Barely ate half but I have some food in my tummy so it's all good. I think the only other time that I have ever gone to a restaurant alone is when I used to work in Long Island. I forget the name...Groundround or some shit like that. It was a TGIF kinda place. I'd go there for lunch alone once in a while, when Eddie is busy doing something else. Working with him was cool. We had some fun, good times. Most of the time, it was at his expense. He was just so easy to pick on. I tricked him into saying "na byungshin" to all the Koreans there. na byungshin = i'm a retard. ha ha ha Saturday afternoon. I think I'll do some reading.     10/12/2002 12:29:00 PM     Friday     I think I need to edit the last (not the #4 entry) entry. I'll just leave it. It was sort of a diarrhetic mental flow kind of thing. More like vomit. I think I should just create a private blog and not tell anyone the URL. Whatever happened to not giving a flying fuck to who reads this stuff?     10/11/2002 10:50:00 PM         oh crap, i am hungry. i could use a bowl of #4. maybe tomorrow morning.     10/11/2002 10:45:00 PM         heh...get ready to crash and burn... Everytime I edit a previous entry, rip shit out, afterwards, I stop and think to myself, what the fuck am i doing? I've forgotten the true reason to why I write and remind myself...I'm not writing for anyone else but for me. I read maybe 5, 6, maybe even 10, journals daily, and sometimes, I just find my own a bit too...I don't know, I feel ostracisized in the journal world. Funny, but it's true. It's only for a second, or two, though. So here I am, writing again. I wrote some shit, about the guy that is allergic to peaches and the skins of apples, and I think Garr was the only one who saw it before I ripped it out just based on his comment. They say that ignorance is bliss...well, sometimes I wish that I really didn't know. Know things. Kind of like how there is an orbit, for every planet, a set path for the earth, around the sun, at a certain speed. There are just certain things that cannot be defied. Yet, I cover my eyes and pretend not to know. Like a dog returning to its vomit. I suppose some things never change. Sometimes, when I'm seeing someone, it's a personal challenge, to that person. To see if he can prove me wrong. I have yet to be proven wrong. Is it because I am afraid? Or I just simply do not wish to be proven wrong? That's like asking me, do you wish to be alone for the rest of your life. The kind of things that circulate in my head...if people only knew. Maybe I am just fooling myself, to think that I am just special. And different. Setting myself on a pedastel. Maybe that makes me feel better. Whatever the possibilities are - I know it all. Do you know why the blues are so ironically uplifting? When Otis is talking about the pain that he feels just because of the pain that his loved one feels. Or when Isaac Hayes is talking about his burning, undying, morally wrong love towards another woman. Or when Etta is talking about "the man she loves," or "the man she found at last". All of those things, not anyone can just sing, and speak about it just for the money. One must conquer it...or be in the process of recognizing, and healing, to talk about it. And when they sing about a certain thing, all of them has conquered it in one way or the other, and you feel that drive. I wonder if peach boy will give me a dance, even if it's just in a pub. Or some room. That's my fantasy - one slow dance. It's about keeping it real. Seeing through people has worked both ways for me. I still don't know if it's a good thing, or bad. Maybe it's better to be oblivious and just go with the flow. It's all good, though. If you want sex, just say so. I just might be accomodating. But you will be history. (No, I will not have sex with you.) Whatever it is, any kind of indulgence is a form of upper. And what goes up, comes down. Someone mentioned reading The Screwtape Letters over again. For like the second, or third, or fourth time. I've read it once, and I'm reading it again myself. I thought it was a very accurate depiction of the two ruling forces over this earth. The only two. There is no in between. It's either, or. And when I noticed that someone, talking about that, I wanted to ask, why? Even though, I know why. I know why. Those are the kind of things that lead me to the inner thoughts. Things that cannot be easily seen by the naked eye. A person who makes bowls, ceramic, they shape it the way s/he wants. Puts it in what s/he wants. God made our hearts, illustrated as an earthen vessel, and only the creator really knows how to heal a broken and contrite heart, spirit. What is my point. As usual, I don't have a point. One of my points is...it's hard to stay silent. Someone will say something, present a problem, and sometimes I can see more than the words, beyond the face value. And I want to help but that's not the way the world turns, now is it. People will live their own lives. Besides, I need to take the speck out of my own eye before I could point the speck out of another. goodnite.     10/11/2002 10:30:00 PM         suffering is nothing but a state of mind It's raining. Gloomy. Seeing the trees on my block lose its leaves is depressing. Has it been 3 weeks already? Gosh, time flies. It seems like a lifetime away. I guess that is just the reality. I got only 3 hours of sleep. But you know what. I'm not doing too bad. This chicken soup from the dainty li'l Spanish restaurant is strangely heartwarming, as well as my tummy that has been struggling with some baek seju, and 2 midols in the last 12 hours. And a combination of Otis, Etta, and Bennett never fails to lift my spirits. What exactly is yuca? I guess it's just another vegetable? I know what it looks like. Just don't know what it exactly is. Or is yuca just yuca? Whatever it is, it is good. All I need in my soup is some extra cilantro. But for some reason, they stopped offering that on the side. Only 11. I know I had more to write about but all of a sudden, my mind is blank.     10/11/2002 08:08:00 AM     Thursday     3 hours went by so quickly. allergic to peaches. and the skins of apples. but loves fruit. doesn't like pork. beef is ok, but prefers chicken. not too crazy about seafood. but loves fish. overall, presentation is everything - if it looks good, it tastes good. parents are divorced; doesn't talk to the father. mother is remarried. two siblings - one sister, one brother - both older. maknae, or mangnae. hands...i always notice the hands, even if you try to hide them. one can tell a lot just by looking at the hands. you see, feel, hold, and touch, the hands, and you could feel the person. january tenth. very responsible, despite the maknae-ness. it's raining. i'm otr. sucks.     10/10/2002 10:59:00 PM